Survivor's guilt
Nov. 2nd, 2006 11:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mini_nanowrimo's prompt #2, specifically the quote, which I included after the story. I've never tried writing Ronon Dex before. It's easy to look at the brave front we see now and then contrast it with how he acts in the flashbacks for "Sateda". Spoilers for the "Sateda" episode.
Survivor's Guilt
Why am I still here? By all rights, I shouldn't have survived the attack on Sateda. Some on Atlantis think of me as a brave warrior, but I only became one later, because of the Wraith. I was willing to flee with Kell and his men when the attack occurred. I was willing to leave my planet to die. I don't know how I live with myself every night. At least I know I am not the sole survivor. I could not bear it if I was.
Sateda was strong. Perhaps that was why the Wraith attacked us so soon after they awoke. Wipe out the strongest opponents and only the weaker ones will remain to vanquish. We should have been able to fight back. But there were just too many of them and not enough of us. I watched helplessly as friends died all around me.
I couldn't even protect Melena, even though I promised her I'd try. Satedan promises are sacrosanct. To break one is a violation of everything we hold near and dear. But Melena made other promises to heal the sick and wounded. She couldn't turn her back on them. She must have been horrified when she realized what sort of person I really was, so quick to leave. I fight harder now for survival than I ever did on Sateda.
I should have died, but the Wraith had other plans for me. They turned me into a Runner, their cruel idea of sport. I would have continued running for my entire lifetime, if it hadn't been for Sheppard and his team. They showed me some of the value in staying and fighting. Some of them are just as afraid as I was, but they mask it behind arrogance or naiveté. I can teach them how to fight the Wraith. Was this why I survived? So that some good came out of that day on Sateda?
So why am I alive and so many others are dead? Why do cowards and collaborators survive when children are ripped from their mothers? Why are these Atlanteans so willing to help complete strangers?
I think I shall spend my new lifetime reflecting on these questions. Maybe I will find some peace in those answers.
"Many times I have lain down and I have longed for death. I feel unworthy. I feel guilty because I have survived." From 'Birdsong' a novel by Sebastian Faulks
mini_nanowrimo's prompt #2, specifically the quote, which I included after the story. I've never tried writing Ronon Dex before. It's easy to look at the brave front we see now and then contrast it with how he acts in the flashbacks for "Sateda". Spoilers for the "Sateda" episode. Survivor's Guilt
Why am I still here? By all rights, I shouldn't have survived the attack on Sateda. Some on Atlantis think of me as a brave warrior, but I only became one later, because of the Wraith. I was willing to flee with Kell and his men when the attack occurred. I was willing to leave my planet to die. I don't know how I live with myself every night. At least I know I am not the sole survivor. I could not bear it if I was.
Sateda was strong. Perhaps that was why the Wraith attacked us so soon after they awoke. Wipe out the strongest opponents and only the weaker ones will remain to vanquish. We should have been able to fight back. But there were just too many of them and not enough of us. I watched helplessly as friends died all around me.
I couldn't even protect Melena, even though I promised her I'd try. Satedan promises are sacrosanct. To break one is a violation of everything we hold near and dear. But Melena made other promises to heal the sick and wounded. She couldn't turn her back on them. She must have been horrified when she realized what sort of person I really was, so quick to leave. I fight harder now for survival than I ever did on Sateda.
I should have died, but the Wraith had other plans for me. They turned me into a Runner, their cruel idea of sport. I would have continued running for my entire lifetime, if it hadn't been for Sheppard and his team. They showed me some of the value in staying and fighting. Some of them are just as afraid as I was, but they mask it behind arrogance or naiveté. I can teach them how to fight the Wraith. Was this why I survived? So that some good came out of that day on Sateda?
So why am I alive and so many others are dead? Why do cowards and collaborators survive when children are ripped from their mothers? Why are these Atlanteans so willing to help complete strangers?
I think I shall spend my new lifetime reflecting on these questions. Maybe I will find some peace in those answers.
"Many times I have lain down and I have longed for death. I feel unworthy. I feel guilty because I have survived." From 'Birdsong' a novel by Sebastian Faulks
